I am glad to say that many of the issues I talked about back then have settled themselves out, however, I am always a work in progress and some of the struggles continue, but not on so grand a scale as then. I believe as a direct result of this my life has also become a much nicer place to live - still not without it's struggles,but even those are generally more manageable.
So, that being said, here again for your perusal and critique(and if I'm lucky perhaps inspiration and enlightenment) are some random musings from my somewhat chaotic mind.... :)
Walking through Shadows
August 15, 2012 at 10:53am
I've been thinking a lot lately.... yes, be afraid, be VERY afraid...anyway for one reason and another I've been thinking about many things, sort of mental inventory. Taking a look at some things I haven't taken out of the box in awhile. Revisiting things I'd assumed were long settled and yet they seem to continue to pop up from time to time, particularly when things are chaotic in my life - which of course is EXACTLY when you don't want some old skeleton rattling out of your mental/emotional closet to add to the fray...but hey, they like a good party as much as the next guy so..whatcha gonna do, right?
Part of this has to do with recent events in my life, which we won't go into here, and part of it has to do with my impending 50th birthday and part of it has to do with the current Astrology which is all about pulling those skeletons out and and rattlin' dem bones. As much as we generally try to avoid revisiting the less than stellar parts of our psyche it behooves us to occasionally do so, if for no other reason than to give us a true measure of how far we have come towards making the peace needed to move forward and give that skeleton a proper burial.
Relationships - that is what most often crops up, go figure. Family relationships, intimate relationships, community relationships...all of these have figured prominently in my musings of late. why do the ones that work, work? Why did others not work? How do I REALLY feel about both the failures and the successes? What was my TRUE part in those successes and failures? what can I do to have more success and less failure in my interactions with people? How can I come to terms with my feelings about people who are no longer around for me to talk to face-to-face? tough questions which are not likely to have easy answers....part of me wants to say to hell with it and go back to bed, but the part of me trying to get to the next level slaps the coward in me around and forces it to face the mirror of me.
Here's what the mirror has shown me so far....Expectations - for myself and others...why do I have them? Why do I need them? Why can I not just accept whatever happens as what was meant to be? No harm, no foul. I have realized that I have set my expectations for myself pretty high and that I am merciless when I do not reach them. I do not give myself a pat on the back for getting a little further down the path, but rather tend to berate myself for not being miles further down the road. This in turn, I have discovered, tends to cause me to have high expectations from others as well. And who the hell am I to do that, hmmm? what gives me the right to EXPECT anything from anybody? I am not their Creator....ultimately only I am responsible for what happens in my life so why do I burden others with these demands? Good questions - the answers lie buried in the mass of bones known as my upbringing...which I am presently sorting through and trying to piece together in order to get a clearer picture so I can work on setting them aside, finally.
The other thing I have realized is that I am ANGRY about some things. I actually had no idea how pissed off I was about the outcome of some of the relationships in my life. Now that I am aware, I have begun to work on WHY I'm holding onto this anger...it serves no purpose other than to jump out at me when I least expect it, trip me and cause me to fall on my face. So why keep it around? No reason whatsoever, so I am presently working on letting it go, or better yet running it out of town on a rail...it has wasted enough of my time and energy...
And lastly, I have realized I am afraid....of quite a few things. Afraid of making a fool of myself in any way. Afraid of not living up to others expectations(there's that word again). Afraid for the future and the how those I love will fare in it....
Fear serves no more noble purpose than anger and can be just as debilitating. So, one by one I am pulling them out of their container(the lid to which is usually tightly locked with heavy stuff on top of it least anyone know they exist...because I feel the need to be viewed as fearless - don't ask why, the expectation monster again I suspect, but I don't have that answer for sure yet....I'm working on it.)looking them in their eye and attempting to wrestle them to the ground. So far, some have been fairly easy to defeat - others will require multiple goes and perhaps even a rematch at some future date...we shall see....
Now, why am I telling you all this? Because ultimately I think I will come out of the attic a better, happier more productive person. I think this is something that I should not have put off for so long. I think it will be good for my Soul. And because I love all of you so I would encourage you all to do the same. The planetary energies at this time are custom made for successfully confronting and laying to rest these sorts of issues. Issues with your parents/siblings. Issues of abandonment. Issues surrounding relationships of all kinds. Anger issues, fear issues....all those dusty old bones that are keeping us from ascending into our Higher Selves fully. In this time of outward turmoil we cannot afford to let inner turmoil sap our strength, we will need all our resources for the coming Darkness of Winter and the Time of Great Change I believe we are headed toward. We will be better able to assist each other if we are not so burdened with things that no longer serve us(if they ever did). So, dear Phamily, in the next days as the Moon moves toward her Dark days try to make an effort to go through your mental/emotional closets....throw out all the stuff you don't need and make room for love, strength and growth. There is indeed much to be learned from the Darkness and we should not fear it, for without it we would have no appreciation for the Light
From my heart to yours....Namaste
LAA 8/15/2012
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